You Make A Good Point...Bonehead!

Another presidential debate season has ended, and it’s time now to assess the candidates’ positions, evaluate their political visions, and gauge their intellectual depths so that we can make an informed decision at the ballot box this November.

Bwah ha ha! I made a funny. Debates are not about ideas, of course; it’s about who "won" or "lost," who looks the best on television, who made the most gaffes, and which one said "God bless you" when the moderator said "Fallujah."

Bush was on the ropes after the first match, in which he looked clearly annoyed that he couldn’t get Kerry to sign his loyalty oath. He was also caught grimacing and making faces, and that was just to his own answers. (During Kerry’s responses, he resorted to throwing spitballs.) Bush’s central theme seemed to be that Iraq was "hard work," as if he thought the presidency would be more like his Yale exams.

For his part, Kerry came out swinging with his left. (Ha! Left! I slay me.) He seemed generally knowledgeable and focused, even if he was deliberately vague on his plan to get the troops out of Iraq: "First, I would be nice to our allies. Really, really nice. They won’t believe how nice I’ll be. They can borrow my power tools anytime. I’d like to tell you the rest of my plan, but it’s kind of dependent on how that whole nicey-nice thing works out." The rest of his answer somehow segued into domestic issues, like why Del Monte ketchup "tastes like tomato-flavored ceiling caulk."

Kerry was seen scribbling on his notepad throughout the debate. It was later revealed that, knowing that he was beating Bush like a drum, Kerry had already begun writing his presidential memoir. Round One: Kerry.

Round Two was the vice-presidential debate, which answered the age-old question: "What would happen if Gomer Pyle took on Colonel Klink?" The answer: not much.

Edwards stuck to the central themes of the Kerry campaign: universal health care, education, jobs, and that Dick Cheney has a gay daughter. Cheney showed his warmer side by interrupting his own response to tell Edwards, "You sure are pretty," before returning to the subject of increased economic globalization.

Otherwise, it was an uneventful night, until Zell Miller jumped on stage and challenged moderator Gwen Eiffel to a duel. Round Two: Edwards and Cheney tied, with Zell getting a musket round to the pancreas.

Round Three was conducted in a town hall format, with questions coming from the audience, because, hey, if it’s good enough for Jerry Springer, it’s good enough for American democracy. The questions were read by typical swing voters, which meant they had the IQ of cabbage; predictably, Bush performed the best with this group.

The most notable exchange occurred when Kerry pointed out that Bush owned a timber industry. "That’s a surprise to me," said Bush. (Facts tend to come as a surprise to Bush.) He followed up his comment by asking the audience, "Want some wood?"—marking the first time since the Clinton administration that a sitting president offered to show the public his erection, although it is believed that Andrew Johnson came pretty close more than once.

This also marked the first time that Bush came close to admitting that he’s made mistakes, saying that he had regretted some of the appointments he’s made. However, he refused to say which ones, as he didn’t want to "hurt their feelings." It was at this point that most pundits believe that Colin Powell kicked in his television set.

Although Bush got higher scores for not drooling on himself, Kerry, who had mastered talking and thinking long ago, still came out ahead, partly thanks to his decision not to mention Cheney’s gay daughter. Round Three: Kerry.

Round Four will be remembered as a ball game, as that is what most voters were watching while the debate was on. But for those who actually tuned in, they saw a typically forceful Kerry, dodging charges of extreme liberalism; counter-punching with damaging facts; weaving through his nuanced positions; and stopping the fight occasionally to spit blood in a bucket. Nearing the end of the debate, it was clear there was nothing keeping Kerry from the gold…

Q: Do you think being gay is a choice?

Kerry: I think if you were to ask Mary Cheney—

Oooo! Two-point foul for Kerry for hitting below the belt! Fortunately, Bush allowed himself to be pummeled by answering every question, no matter what the subject, with "liberal," "No Child Left Behind," and "Oh, yeah?!" Round Four: Kerry.

All in all, every poll showed that Kerry won all three debates, and swing voters found him more knowledgeable, more in tune with their positions, and even more likeable. The net result: Bush leads Kerry by eight points in a CNN-Gallup poll. Well, at least Democrats still have their familiar battle cry: Hillary in ‘08! Oh, and Cheney’s daughter? Gay!

I’m done.