Divorce: A New Beginning

And the day came when the risk (it took)

to remain tight in the bud was more painful

than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin

If you have picked up this book, it is more than likely that you (or a loved one) are contemplating divorce, in the middle of the process, or perhaps reeling from its aftermath. My heart goes out to you and yours. The pain and destruction of divorce is unimaginable. I know.

I also know, from my own experience, that the decision to divorce was not one that was made easily. It was the result of a physically painful and emotionally gut-wrenching process that I would not wish upon anyone. Speaking from my own experience, I believe that we made a loving and courageous decision to end the pain - for ourselves, and for each other. Unfortunately, the timing of the divorce process could not be worse. We were swept into it while we were still reeling from the emotional and physical onslaught of the “trying not to come apart” process. We were physically and emotionally depleted. We were suddenly being asked to step up to the plate and make major life decisions that would affect our children, our finances, our homes, and our jobs.  We were expected to negotiate this process of coming apart in a reasonable, responsible, and intelligent manner. After all, we prided ourselves on being reasonable, responsible, and intelligent adults, who, unfortunately, we soon realized, were operating under some major emotional and physical deficiencies.

After exhausting all of our resources, my husband and I made a decision to end our marriage. It was only the first of an endless stream of decisions to come. Although it was a steep learning curve, this most humbling experience taught me many valuable lessons, perhaps the greatest of which was to respect the dignity of my life and the dignity of the lives of others. I would never presume that anyone would (or should!) learn from my experience. I realize that everyone’s circumstances are different, and what worked in my divorce would not work for everyone. I believe that we are put on this planet to learn our own lessons and to find our own paths.

…This experience was definitely one of life’s defining moments for me, and it was filled with epiphanies and lessons. I am grateful for the experience, and for where we have all landed, years later. Time is a great healer. Having said that, I have learned that there is a healing process following divorce that is not always linear, and cannot be rushed or put on a time schedule. Some stages are revisited again and again. If I might presume to give any words of advice on the subject of divorce, it would be these: Accept each stage and use this experience as an opportunity to learn more about yourself. I encourage anyone going through this process to reach out for help from professional healers, support organizations, and books on divorce, healing, and grief. 

I also hope that this book will encourage readers to think outside the box and to consider that a divorce does not mean you can no longer have a relationship with your ex-spouse. Rather, a divorce means you will no longer have a marital relationship with each other. It is up to each of us to decide what our future relationship can or will be.

Consider this…We did not fail. Our partners did not fail. Our marriages did not fail. Our marriages ended, and it would be in all of our best interests, if we got better at endings. After all, if a relationship can have a successful beginning and a successful middle, why can’t it have a successful end? Perhaps it can, if we change the way we think about divorce and consciously choose to minimize its destruction and view the experience as an opportunity for growth.