Soulful Parent-Soulful Teen: Moving From Control to Care

Although my two children are past the age of adolescence, I well remember their teen years, full of both daily challenges and timeless rewards. They have moved through their college years and into their own homes now, but they still have a home within my heart and always will. They have taught me as much as I have taught them.

In addition to raising two children of my own, I have worked with adolescents for over thirty years: first, as a Big Brother; then in juvenile detention facilities and inner-city ministries; and later, as a clinical psychologist in adolescent residential treatment centers, inpatient psychiatric facilities, partial hospitalization programs and outpatient clinics.

At over fifty, I am past the age when most teens think I’m cool. My friends, however, tell a different story. They say that I have never outgrown my own adolescence, and I must admit my outlook on life has kept its youthful optimism and passion. My children may have moved beyond their adolescent issues and I may no longer experience the exact circumstances today’s teenagers face, but still I continue to view the world through my “adolescent” eyes (even if, these days, they have bifocals in front of them).

 What I see has compelled me to write this book. I’ve watched parents (both patients and personal friends) struggle to survive, rather than enjoy, the brief span of years before their teenagers leave home. I’ve watched adolescents wrestle with the turmoil, pressure and confusion of this very difficult developmental stage, without the understanding and support of those they love most: their parents. I’ve watched families become adversaries rather than allies. I’ve watched them posture, manipulate and engage in self-defeating conflict that hurts and frustrates parents and teens alike, instead of recognizing what’s important and reaping the rewards to be found in this admittedly trying time of life.

Our adolescents are caught in the throws of profound cognitive, moral, psychological and social change. Over the course of my practice, I have observed that parents generally react one of two ways: they try to manage their adolescent’s behavior or they choose to lead. Those who try the first path struggle with their teens, seeing themselves as the antidote to this condition that their child has contracted. Those who choose the latter more fully understand and appreciate the developmental challenges their teens face, seeing themselves as catalysts of their children’s maturation into adulthood.

Developmental struggles demand not only that teens grow, but parents also. Parents must move beyond the management of little ones who are cognitively, morally, psychologically and socially incapable of independent decision-making, to recognition of teens as:

·        Cognitively capable of logic

·        Morally capable of principled living

·        Psychologically coming to autonomous identity

·        Socially in need of a sense of independence

Adolescents are inexperienced in the ways of the world, so parents should “come alongside” them, while they gain invaluable experience. But to do this, parents must be on the journey of growth also, moving beyond the way they’ve always seen things. With increased awareness, parents must become more abstract and less fixed in their way of thinking. Often, the most important growth of adolescence occurs, not in the hearts and minds of young people, but in those of their parents.