A Walking Distance

I started to let out tears of confusion because I didn’t know what to believe anymore. It was the first time I cried for something that I didn’t understand. My whole life I was lead to believe in a higher mysterious power that would help us when we needed it the most but I felt so alone. It was breaking the family down but no one else dared to say anything even though they knew something was wrong. Why was I the only one in this reality realm that was falling apart? I buried my head into my pillow and shed a few more tears.

                “Where are you, huh?”

                “We need you right now lord… Are you even out there?”

                “Do you even exist?”

                I felt so wrong questioning everything that I had been brought up with but I was fueled with continuous uncontrollable emotions. I was losing my faith. I was going under and exactly where my parents never wanted us to be.

                After a few minutes of mixed emotions and confusion, a relaxing and satisfying feeling took a hold of me as I laid there on my bed looking up at my ceiling. Even through everything that was going on, a part of me felt strong, determined and unfazed by the depression that had taken control of me. I couldn’t comprehend why all of a sudden I felt as relieved as I unleashed this roller coaster ride of emotions earlier that had buried me deep down in my own thoughts.

                As I laid there in bed I started to think of everything my family had gone through and never fallen. Everything I though about had all of a sudden become so clear. I didn’t have to wait for a sign. I didn’t have to wait for lightning to hit my house or some sort of miracle to take place because I knew the answer already. It was in front of me all this time but I couldn’t see it with the black negative haze that had engulfed me. It took a while to clear up but I finally acknowledged why I was the only one creating more problems than I had to. I was in a wonderful family. I had the necessary tools to overcome a lot of things in life and I had a father. A father who wouldn’t have been here if it wasn’t for the mysterious power I was cursing and loosing faith in. I couldn’t believe I had even degraded him so much to even question his existence for some petty financial problems. It was overwhelming but I had finally gotten control of myself. I never meant to turn against everything my family taught me but I felt incapable of helping out with my family’s problems. I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want my father to struggle in life once again, not with us around and getting older. I loved him too much to see him go through those types of problems.

               I apologized and prayed more than once that day. We were in it together and we were going to overcome it together. Together as a family and with God by our side, like it always had been. Through all these problems my family never broke down and kept marching. It wasn’t long before we heard the good news that my mother was pregnant and four months into it. My mother was going to have a little boy and I was going to have another brother join the family. It was the best news to come out of the certain problems we were faced with and something to keep us going. I was going to look out for him and teach him the values that my brothers and I had learned. It was a very encouraging and happy moment in our lives and we were all looking forward to it. Our hope for improving satisfaction within ourselves continued to grow and I felt a lot closer to my family than I ever had before.