Dark Secrets

I started hanging out meeting people 15 and 20 years older than I. I was getting into nite clubs, drinking alcohol, abusing drugs and having conversations with different men. A baby I was, sitting in different bars with short tight mini skirts on, built like a 30 year old woman. Body language just asking for it. There were different men all the time.

          As my whole life started to turn around, I found myself getting used and abused. Having provocative sex with different men, trying to buy love, I would set myself up for failure. I knew in my mind I wanted a better life for me and my child. I felt like I always had to have someone around.

          Constantly telling myself that I would never set myself up again to be abused by my father. But from lack of understanding of what love and relationship were, I was already allowing myself to be abused by him without his presence.

          Confiding and undressing my thoughts to others, I found myself falling into a deeper depression. Being controlled from all the hurt I had inside. I allowed myself to be opened, vulnerable, and exposed to excessive abuse. But how could I've gotten out, I only wanted someone in my life for protection, but I got tired of being misled, when all they were taking was a piece of my ass.

          Now, not knowing any better, I had to grow up and become a woman real fast. As I started to live the life as a consenting adult at the age of fifteen. I didn't know much about God like I do now, even though my mom and grandparents kept me in church. But what I've learned today is that God stayed beside me when I was by myself and carried me when I was going to fall.

          I struggled. I had no one. Material things I could do without. I was always a needy person for love and understanding. I did the best I could to support myself and sacrificed alot. Growing up handling life situations feeling empty because I still longed to be a child, even though I had one.

          After all, years started to past and all the clubbing, drinking, drugs, and sex with different men caught up with me. I figured what my father had done to me and what I had to go through just living by myself. It had been a life changing experience. So I vowed if God kept me through the storms of life. I would tell my story to help heal others. I would give my heart, love and time to other children that's going through the significant pain and hardship that abuse brings.

          Now, that I've came to the end of my story and you only know so much of what I had to share. "Keep in mind I was just a child when it happened but time stood still and the lord was on my side for me to tell".