Bare My Soul: MyStory
Experience, Thought, Talent, Acceptance
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My name is Syndia A Payne, and this is my journey. What you are about to read may surprise you, may make you repel me, may make you cry, may make you feel sympathy for me – the point is you may be filled with different feelings, different reactions. You may have different comments, different feelings, and different outlooks. That is good.
What I am about to write may also have dire effects on me. By writing my journey to this point I may be in danger of losing my family, my friends, and my career. I am putting my reputation on the line, and am putting up my character for scrutiny, and you may ask if I am not concerned. To be honest, I cannot tell you I am. As I pen each word, I can feel the chains of this circle, the bondage of this cycle slowly begin to melt. I can feel the blood in my body rushing towards a freedom that I so deserve and so now will provide for myself. I can feel my soul becoming bare.
There are two catalysts that have pushed me to this point.
One is a story that I myself wrote of a woman at her mother’s funeral – I call it “Marlene’s Resurrection.” Her mother was killed by her abusive father. The daughter got up to speak of her mother, but made the revelation of her own 6 year of abuse by her mother’s brother, and the physical abuse that she herself was now suffering by her husband. In that story I wrote the powerful words that I believe are fitting for me. Here is the portion that will best befit the content of what you will read.
She turned and hugged her brother as she continued. Her uncle was in tears, and had his head in his hands. “My uncle began to visit my room when he was there”, she sighed heavily, but got the strength to continue as both Mark and Carreen squeezed both her hands. “It started when I was about 10 and continued for 6 years. So it was no surprise that I slept with practically all the boys on the soccer and basketball teams. That was all I was good for. That was all he made me good for.” She shook her head, and both Mark and Carreen hugged her. They were all in tears. “So when I met my husband and he showered me with love and affection I felt like somebody, like somebody useful. For the first time in my life a man saw something more than sexual use for me, and I was elated. I love my husband with all my life, all my heart, so when he began to abuse me I thought I was doing something wrong – no I had to be doing something wrong. I was the reason he came home late. I was the reason he had to kick me in my stomach twice so we lost our babies, and then I was to be blamed for losing our babies. But now I know that was never the case. My mother was not to be blamed for my father’s abusive ways. She was to be blamed for staying in it for so long, and today while we grieve her, we also celebrate her peace. I am not to be blamed for my husband’s rage and abuse, but I am to be blamed for staying so long. I will not allow death to be my freedom as it is my mother’s. If my husband kills me after today, then I would have died a free woman. Thank you all for coming.”
The second is my desire to no longer live behind this wall. I long to shed the pretence that all is well; that I have not been hurting for the past 21 years of my life. I am so near to 30 years old, and I cannot afford to reach such a milestone in my life living what is just a lie. It is the mere need to take control of my life, of my journey. 21 years ago I took no control over the circumstance that would change my life forever. I refused to do the one thing I could have done, but did not do because of troubled circumstances at the time – that is speak out. This is the mistake we make most times. We sacrifice our own comfort and peace of mind for the good of others. What we fail to understand is that some sacrifices create lasting effects. The peace of mind that we give to others in such a case is our own. That is the peace of mind that I am writing to reclaim.
This book is five years in the making. I did not know how to speak out – to bare my soul. But after much prayer and constant conversation with the Divine, I decided to use my talent of writing poems as the means of telling my story. What is injected in prose is the finishing touch to the already polished journey in poetry. I have made the most difficult decision of my life to bare my soul
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About the Book
Bare My Soul: Mystory: Experience, Thought, Talent, Acceptance
Bare My Soul is the autobiographical account of one woman’s journey from child sexual abuse to self- forgiveness, self – love and self –acceptance - what the author, Syndia A. Payne describes as the ultimate healing.
The book combines interestingly the two genres of prose and poetry, each in its own way portrays through two different eyes yet culminates in one at self- acceptance.
It contains five chapters of prose, and the best of the author’s collection of poems. In its own way the book charts the pain, hurt and burden that the author faces, and at the same time encourages, educates, inspires and entertains its readers.
In a very unique way it persuades other women, and men as well who have experienced this horrific ordeal to bare their souls.
About the Author
Syndia A Payne – Teacher, Journalist & Poet
Syndia A Payne hails from the garden parish of St. Ann in the beautiful, breathtaking island of Jamaica. From a child her interests lie in sports, reading and writing. As she became older her interest in poetry grew, and while in grade 8, she published her first poem “Woman” in the Jamaican Sunday Gleaner. Since then she has contributed poems regularly to the Sunday Gleaner.
At college her interest in writing deepened, and took a professional turn at her entrance into the University of West Indies, Mona. Her poems are written in response to social issues that have taken place in her home country. In 2000, her poem, “Black Woman” was awarded Most Talented at the annual Jamaican Festival Queen Competition.
In 2001 she self published her first book “Woman Talk: The Story of a Woman’s Life”. After an interview on Reggae Sun Television she was offered a job at the station where she created and co-produced the first premier poetry show on local television, Food for Thought. This show highlighted Jamaican poets as well as drew audience each Saturday, ranging from all age groups.
After a short illness in 2004, she came to terms with her four years of childhood sexual abuse by writing and producing - with the help of Cheryl Levy – the collection of poems on CD: “A Sexually Abused Woman Speaks Out”. This she describes as “her most outstanding work”. The collection gained her national attention, with interviews on two national radio stations RJR and Irie FM. In 2005, she was named with 13 other outstanding women as “The 14 Powerful Women of Poetry”, and under the leadership of renowned Jamaican poet, Cherry Natural , staged a remarkable poetry show in honor of National Women’s Day.