The 2nd Book of Rhinoisms
A Miniature Volume of Tiny Epics
by
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Slupe's Slip Slupe was obsessed with the way he looked and the way he looked looking the way he looked. This made his life rather difficult; it’s not easy looking the best you can possibly look and look the best you possibly can look looking like it. He also had a thing about time, which was what drove him to invent and build a time machine. Slupe hated wasting time. He believed it should be a crime that carried a hefty punishment. He could just about tolerate himself wasting his own time, but if somebody else wasted his time he was intolerable. Basically, if you wasted his time, he wanted it back from you, which can be a bit of a toughie. But not with a time machine! Now I'll not waste YOUR time by going into the ins and outs about the intricate workings of the time machine. But if you can image the amount of effort it takes to tie 11023 rubber bands, of varying sizes, together, and then think of the biggest number you can think of and dividing it by three and two thirds, in your head, you're nearing the amount of skill it took to think up and assemble. The century was the 21st, the year was 2001, the season was spring, the month was April, the day was Thursday, the date was the 14th, the hour was the16th, the minute was 17th, the second was the 33rd and it was practically drizzling outside. This was the moment that Slupe sat in his time machine for the first time and went for a spin. He had named the machine Cucumber because he would be coming back, just like the taste of cucumber that he had consumed within a sandwich for his lunch. Nerves I guess. He was going to travel into the future, but changed his mind. He decided that he would travel back in time, just a bit, in order for him to see himself setting off, to make sure that he was looking the best he possibly could look and look good looking like it. The century was the 21st, the year was 2001, the season was spring, the month was April, the day was Thursday, the date was the 14th, the hour was the 16th, the minute was 17th the second was 32nd and it was almost practically drizzling outside. Slupe arrived just in time to see himself set off and he had to admit that he was looking pretty good. Thing is, the Slupe that had just been seen by Slupe was now travelling back in time to see himself set off. So now Slupe, let's say Slupe 2, had now to travel back in time by two seconds in order for him, Slupe 2, to tell himself, Slupe 1, not to bother with the 'looking to see if he looked good setting off' business. Good idea, but it didn't work. Slupe, or rather, Slupes were now in a terrifying cycle that went backwards by one second each rotation with the objective of stopping the cycle. It wasn't until three days earlier that Slupe realised the mess he was in. He sought Rhinoism. Rhino was just about to tell the time when the message came in. "Rhino, I am in an hour glass of despair and if I waste any more time with this thing my bouffant will flop, please help." Rhino couldn't properly tell the time, one of the hands on his watch had dropped off in sheer boredom; it wouldn't have been so bad if the other hand hadn't been so bereft of conversation. He over wound his timepiece as the Rhinoism shone forth. The Rhino and the mud |
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About the Book
Throughout civilization, Earth dwellers have sought inspirational advice through fablesque metaphors or mind blowing one liners from elders which are then relayed to new generations for them to ignore and regret later. Well, ancestors of the Rhino came into existence about fifty million years ago, so in fact, Rhinoism has been about for millions of years but, until now, its legacy and neck saving prowess has remained untapped and stories unheard by civilians of the planet. The following fables highlight the majestic power of Rhinoism and, although sometimes heavily disguised, may provide valuable lessons for us all.
So, welcome to the world of Animalkind. This is a world that is like yours’ and mine where the inhabitants hail taxis, feed the ducks in the park and where gases play snooker. This is also a world where dogs have motionless ears and where a zebra finch steels a toupee from a guinea pig police sergeant. This is a world where toads con otters out of their well earned cash and lizards sell time shares. This is a world where cats drive the taxis hailed and thousands of ants lose their memories. This is a world where gargoyles play conkers with angels.
This is also a world where woodland creatures ride motorbikes and where a giraffe pretends to be French and plays cards with a crocodile, a cheetah and a gorilla. This is a world where birds build time machines and a scorpion has a race with a beetle for a trophy. This is a world where a fox has an audition to be in a choir of chickens and a salamander forces the closure of a pizza parlour. This is a world where the ducks you feed in the park have a gun and where the world is about to implode!
About the Author
James William Estall breathed his 1st independent breath of life in the year 1968 AD in the northern hemisphere of Planet Earth. Speech began at around the age of two and a half, becoming more coherent at the age of three and a half. The ability to scribe legibly began at around the age six. The noises, voices and scenarios in his head began at the age of twenty three and stayed until transcribed onto paper at the age of thirty one, but new and different ones arrive every day.