After All of the Tears

Why is it that when the enemy is in the driver’s seat he always allows us to feel like we can handle it? I went out and got a job. It was a very good job and I excelled at it. I did all the things that society told me to do to be happy and fulfilled but I just wasn’t feeling it. I did everything that I thought should have brought me joy but I never had any joy. What was even worse is I felt the same way that I felt at age twelve. I still didn’t know what to do. To look at my life from the outside, there was no excuse for how I was feeling. I had long ago accepted Jesus as my personal savior, I thought. I went to church every Sunday. I had plenty of religion! I helped out with the children. I had the perfect house, a good job and 2.5 children. According to statistics, I should have been happy. I wasn’t! I had tried to talk to people at church a couple of times about not feeling quite right only to be brushed off or for my communication to be swept under the rug. I tried to tell people that though I loved Jesus a lot I couldn’t stay out of the clubs. I had a desire that was stronger than what was between God and me to drink and smoke. The religion wasn’t helping the way many people had said it would. I would tell myself I just needed a little break from life then I would be back on track: that this would be my last break. My break from life consisted of sneaking out, binge drinking and committing sin. I would then take a couple of days to try to clean myself up, as if I could, and return back to my life of faking like the perfect Christian.