Panning for Gold

Sifting Through the Dirt

          When I turned 19 years of age, I was emancipated from the state. I had been considered a ward since the tender age of 6. I figured that now that I was away from the hurt and suffering, I could go back home to my mother and we could pick up the pieces of a previous life and learn to rebuild. Well, things didn’t work out that way. Instead, I ended up living with my girlfriend’s family. We eventually moved out on our own. It didn’t take long to realize that things would never work because we argued like cats and dogs.

            We decided to separate in the month of June 2004 and while I was out trying to clear my mind, I encountered a stranger. It wasn’t long before we were engaging in a long conversation. I shared with him my previous life of growing up as a foster child in which it had almost been a year since I parted from. The message he shared with me was to write a book and share my story. I grew up reading everything that I could get my hands on and had previously wrote essays which won me scholarships and recognition in high school to fund my college education, but a book? I didn’t think I had the time or patience to do so because of school and work.

            After the stranger and I parted ways, I could not help but to dwell on our conversation. I kept the idea and message to myself as the days, weeks, and months began to pass and it all became a memory. In January 2005, I took a spiral notebook and quickly began to fill it. 22 pages into the notebook, my hands began to cramp and I realized I needed a computer. The next month, one was given to me by two dear friends. Although the resources were provided, I still hesitated and made excuses not to carry out the assignment. It was too time consuming and always seemed to intervene with what I had going on in life at the time.

            In July 2005, I was left with no choice when my transportation and I had to part ways because it needed maintenance. Now that I was all alone in an apartment with no cable television, I had some thinking to do. I began to type the days away as my fingers and eyeballs went numb from punching the keys and staring at the screen. Within four months, I had had completed my manuscript. I titled it, “I’ve Found the End of the Rainbow.” Now the hard part (in which I thought would be easy at the time) was to find a publisher. I purchased a book on the process and in my spare time studied it and sent out submissions to many different publishing houses. After many months of anxiously waiting, still no luck. It would take me two more years before the opportunity to get my work out of the box would come, so it sat up in a big yellow envelope collecting dust and life went on and another book came under way.

            For me, the past is very important. If you’re smart, knowing where you’ve been is vital information. The reason for that is because it will allow you to either continuously repeat the same experiences, or to pursue something better and different. Many people will tell you to, forgive and forget, don’t live in the past, and just move on. What I have learned is that it’s usually the people who have made some great mistakes in life or who have trespassed against you and doesn’t want to be held accountable or take responsibility for the guilt trip bestowed.

            Let’s say you do throw away the past. Now, honestly where has it gone other than in the back of your mind as a memory? We know this memory will always resurface when you encounter a new but familiar experience in life. Is history not known for repeating itself? Let’s call the past dirt. Let’s throw it on the ground for everyone to tread upon. Although it’s no longer yours because you left it behind, does it still not exist for someone else to tread upon? Are you getting my drift? Now let’s leave the dirt (the past behind) for someone else to have to deal with. Now that we have a new purpose, let’s start striving to achieve it. Is your purpose finding a new job, meeting the love of your life, graduating from school, having a family? Do you seek fame, fortune, or God? Is it that new home that you want or that brand new truck or car? How about peace of mind?

            Now let’s be honest. How are you going to know how to deal with the stress or pressure behind affording and maintaining all of these luxuries? Are you going to pray, have a breakdown, cry, struggle, complain, or be resentful towards the person who does have all of this?