Where's my mum now?
Children's perspectives on helps and hindrances to their grief
by
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Chapter 1. What Language?
`Sometimes, it's like dad saying that everything is alright when they know that in some way it's not. It's just nice to tell the truth so it's just over with…like great grandma (Geegee, that's what I called her) when I was about five they said `Geegee has gone, she's just gone' I didn't know what they meant, `gone'. Gone on holiday, gone away?
`It would be quite nice if they just said `she's dead' Then, you'd like, cry but then it's over and done with and you don't have to wait another two years (sic) until they say `Who are you looking for?' and you say `Geegee, she went on holiday' `Oh, sorry forgot to tell you, she died'
(Pat. 10 years old)
Whether or not they had experienced an earlier death in their families than that for which the interview took place, in almost every case these children had known a pet die. Whereas some clearly remembered their parent saying `Jimmy's died' (the cat or the gerbil) others recalled `they said he'd gone to sleep, but we knew what had happened anyway.' Michael (10) added `Gone to sleep seems kinder - but it doesn't change anything'. Asked if he thought it was better to talk about having died more straightforwardly, he replied `
`I think it is. I know I do because it's like, a lot easier for me than if she says like, `He's gone to sleep' then a couple of weeks later she says 'He's died and he's not going to wake up.'
The importance of using clear and logical language and of telling the truth, when giving information and breaking bad news came across from several of the children. Although showing a tolerance of such phrases as `Gone to sleep' Pat (10) reflected on her earlier life fears of going to bed when this had been used.
`When I was about six, I used to think ooooooooooo….do I have to go to sleep, can't I just stay up?'
This preference for clear unambiguous language came across very clearly, together with an understanding of how metaphors can mystify younger children
`'I knew what they meant when they said `passed away, but my young brother was a bit confused'
Some children told of experiencing the same reactions from others, whether children or adults, as many adults experience when they or the people they are with start talking about the deceased. They assume that, even though the bereaved person brought up the subject in the first place, they will be upset so the listener tries to change the subject as quickly as possible. As Louise (9) put it:
'My friends think, like, it is frightening for me to talk about my mum, but it's not.'
Other children were left with no confusing or ambiguous information and seemed unaware that others had such problems. This was especially true of two brothers (8 and 12) who had been brought up on a farm and had assisted with lambing or calving that included still births, or been present when a vet had humanely destroyed an animal.
Conclusions and recommendation
The use of euphemisms to hide something less pleasant is so common in English culture that we don't think about it a great deal, so consequently do not
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About the Book
For a long time opinion has varied on the role of children when a loved parent, granny, relative or friend is dying/has died. There are those who exclude the child from knowledge of impending death and the funeral, arguing that it is all too distressing for a child, while others maintain that children want to be involved and can make decisions quite young. When my husband died we gave the grandchildren the choice. It was the youngest two who agreed straight away but Mary, 11, hesitated and then said “ I don’t want to go but if I don’t I will never forgive myself.” All three were glad to have gone and said their goodbyes.
Brian not only believed that children are well able to be involved in the process of death, he was prepared to test it with a research project that involved not adults, but children who had had a parent die. This book records that research, its problems and results. I have known, and worked with, Brian for many years. His work is meticulous for he is dedicated to the theme, having been a clergyman and seen the many sides of dying and the way it is handled by families who, themselves, are often dealing with the unknown and their own fears of death and dying.
This book is a must for all who have contact with children – parents, teachers, those in social services and all who need reassurance on the resilience of children who, yes, have many ways of coping but what they all want from their grownups is honesty, openness, involvement and love.
Ann Faulkner
Retired Professor of Communication in Health Care
About the Author
Brian Cranwell, a retired clergy member, was a bereavement support worker for 20 years, training and supervising others in the same work. For the last 15 years of this he worked with bereaved children and trained others for the same function. Entering late into church ministry after a career that included industrial relations management, training and management development, and management consultancy, he was dismayed to find how frequently children were left out of information about the impending death of someone they loved (and consequent lack of opportunity to make their farewells) and excluded from gatherings of family and friends for the funeral. On approaching retirement he discovered that although a great deal of useful information had been written on the subject by professionals, nobody had taken the direct views of children so set about and successfully completed a child centred research programme supervised by Sheffield Hallam University, for which he was awarded the Degree of MPhil. This book is intended to make the results of that research accessible to anyone who has responsibility for bereaved children - parents, foster parents, social workers, teachers, and clergy. The book is therefore not written as an academio work, the main emphasis being on the experiences and stories of the children.