Orchestra...5 minutes!

I think its now the appropriate time to discuss the clarinet.

As a somewhat rational adult, I cannot understand why I was ever interested in playing the clarinet.

The instrument seems purposely defective in its design. It's almost like the early clarinet creators gave up trying to make the instrument partially functional and just walked away from the whole futile affair. After hearing the end result of their messy mishaps, I can't say as I could have I blamed them.

The clarinet lacks certain necessary overtones making the over all sound flaccid, throaty, and unfocused.

It's dull, flat, and fuzzy sounding in the lower register and overly shrill and excessively sharp in the upper. The over all atonal hodgepodges of unmatched notes are never quite pleasing to the ear or stomach.

If that wasn't enough, they also have the propensity to produce a raucous, squawk- like squeak during the most inopportune moments in the music. This jarringly obnoxious noise will permeate the cortex of your brain and scramble your nerve synapses, striking you with temporary paralysis and the inability to play your own instrument. Trust me, I'm not kidding around here!

Chaotically created and always an aural distraction, in my opinion the clarinet is the unwanted mutt of the woodwind section.

Speaking of mutts, the Basset Horns are the lanky, lamenting canine cousins of the clarinet family. Both temperamental to play and disagreeably out of tune, Basset horns are normally put to sleep at the pound since no self respecting orchestra wants to adopt the yowling, floppy sounding curs. Even Bob Barker hates them!

The Bass clarinet is the Great Dane of the unpedigree able clarinet family. It's the largest, yet surprisingly, the least offensive member of the peevish pack, unless it's played too loudly, or too often.

The irascible runt of the litter is the E flat clarinet.

Shrill and extremely irritating to listen to, only deaf or vengeful composers ever consider writing for the irritating imp. For those of you who may be thinking you'd want to try out the “mini me” of the clarinet family be forewarned. After proving its disastrously debilitating effects on the human brain and ear drum, intentional playing of the E flat clarinet is now punishable by life imprisonment with out parole in all fifty states.

As part of your brutal but justifiable sentence, you will have to listen to every work ever composed by Phillip Glass on a constantly repeating sound loop, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week for the rest of your pitiful existence. In my opinion, even that unbearable ear chastisement doesn't seem a severe enough punishment for all the pain and suffering the mangy little mongrel inflicts on musical society.

On a medical note, the E flat clarinet was used on an experimental basis back in the 1940's to see if its poisonously penetrating sound could destroy brain tumors. The results were mixed.

The toxic noise waves did effectively destroy all malignancies, but paradoxically lobotomized the patient at the same time, mitigating any positive medical benefits. However,as a benefit to housewives everywhere, the unexpected result of the failed experiment did come up with the concept for the micro wave oven.

My Dad used to call the clarinet the “licorice stick.” We in the orchestra affectionately call the clarinet “Satan's stick”, and here is my slightly tainted version of the history of the clarinet that may explain the instruments shameful and destructive past.