The Search Stops Here

TWO UNWELCOMED COMPANY The Hopeless Crowd With tears streaming down my face, matching the rain on my windshield, I succumbed to the wiles of hanging out one day too long with bleak companions, internally housing the hopeless crowd. Driving the freeway, it quickly occurred to me that, if I just accelerated, veered, and crashed into the solid bridge ahead, my unwelcomed company would go home and I would find serenity – at last! In my mind it was the only way to be free – liberated from striving, no longer contending with difficulties, delivered from conjuring up one more vice to prove myself satisfactory. That Sunday night in November 1989, my pain corresponded with the darkness of the night and the blinding headlights of oncoming traffic. Too cold, too dark, and too loud became my world. All hope was lost in my search for “sanctuary,” and I was convinced that one last effort of swerving a fast-paced car could locate the inner peace and rest I had longed for all my life. The night I contemplated taking my life, I felt the fog of depression but was unaware of its seriousness. It was as if I was fighting an inward battle all by myself. Struggling with feelings of hopelessness, my mind fought feverishly to find rational thoughts. Unfortunately, in these moments, irrational comfort becomes highest priority, leading one to the illogical choice of suicide. Depression has the ability to progressively overtake a person. It’s a slow-growing illness which brings one to despair and even the wish for death (in the case of clinical depression). Learning that the longer it lingers, the more detrimental it becomes, let me realize my overwhelmed state of mind didn’t just “show up” that night. It took months and months of entertaining the company of hopelessness, until one day it became a crowd. If I could go back and watch a video of this gradual take-over, I’d see clearly the significant changes in my habits, attitudes, and normal routine. Things that were once important to me were not anymore. Events I once loved no longer brought me joy – and life itself lost purpose. Who could have known I would ever yearn for death? Always the life of the party, this socially-extroverted girl now wanted to be alone, no longer enjoyed people, and wanted no part of the life she lived. I don’t pretend to have all the answers to depression. I wish I did, but I don’t. From personal experience, I truly know how dark it can become and how debilitating it can be. My desire is to tell people that depression is serious. We can no longer give those who are downtrodden some pat answer and send them on their way. In one of my educational therapy sessions in the hospital, I learned there are biological factors involved with depression, as brain chemicals become imbalanced due to an overload of stress or difficulties in life. Believe it or not, I remember that session well, as it helped me realize I wasn’t just “a crazy person.” They stressed that depression has many causes including our genetic predisposition, familial (family-related) diseases, as well as hormonal, nutritional, and alcohol and substance-induced factors. No matter the source, there’s an old cliché how one last straw can break a camel’s back. In this day and age, I believe many of us unknowingly are being overloaded to the breaking point. Unfortunately, though, we don’t know the time or season of that last heavy, incapacitating piece. Although depression and guilt are known to trigger negative self image, many believe depression is caused by low self-esteem – all a vicious cycle. We spend years of grueling effort creating our own opinion of us, with our current reality stemming from whatever we have come to believe about our importance, value, worth, significance, or competence. Because of our faulty mental fashioning, we wonder why we feel “less than” the world around us. One such memory vividly stands out to me. I remember years ago walking through an outdoor mall, convinced that everyone else was better than I was. In my mind I was certain I could not obtain or reach the level where others were - somewhere above. No one knew – and I wouldn’t dare tell. Alone with my inward drama, I played the part of pauper, with the lords of the land ruling over me. Daily reciting my self-constructed play had me walking outwardly as the tall noble, while the more truthful scenario played within – head hung low, feet dragging the ground – a more impoverished role. For years I evaluated myself on other people’s opinions and thoughts about me. Even though many thought well, I tended to focus on the few who believed contrary. More than what others portrayed or spoke concerning me, what I said about myself during my lifetime was most damaging. Faulty inward chatter creates evaluations that eventually devalue our worth and berate our capabilities. We measure ourselves by our own standards and seldom find contentment. I guess that’s human nature at its best. We can always do better, be better, act better, be smarter, etc. This striving, if excessive, makes us tired and compulsive, eventually leading us to the dark fog of disappointment and depression. When that happens, we give up all hope that we’ll ever measure up, and we throw out the ruler because it’s just too hard to meet its demands. The hopeless crowd not only gathers around bad self image but loves to congregate around defeat. Depression is often triggered by psychosocial factors such as significant loss, the death of a loved one, divorce, financial difficulty, a broken heart, an attacked reputation, or a lost goal. When these things occur, they begin to produce self-doubt in a person. It is here where internal questioning begins and regrettably can’t find a stopping place.