Butterfly

My family felt that their only choice was to give me up for adoption, because my mother and sister would not be able to take care of me. My sister told me that another mother nursed me, so I could stay alive until she found a home for me. After I was born, they tried to clean me. Since they had no access to water, they had to wait until it rained or snowed. My mother said my skin looked like a snake; she was surprised that I lived. After a week, she found someone to take me and agreed to give me up for adoption. She finally managed to get a little water and tried to wash me.

As my mother washed me, I smiled at her. She was unable to give me up. My mother told me this story over and over again. Whenever I was bad, my mother said, “I should have given you up when I had the chance.” Now, I am writing this story and I wonder if I might have become a totally different person if I had been adopted. This story would not exist.

My father respected everything around him and taught me how to not harm the small fish while fishing for bigger ones to eat. We made bait using the husk that came from making sesame seed oil. We mixed this with flour and water to make a paste, which was placed inside a glass pot. Fish could swim inside the pot, but could not swim out.

Every hour, I'd check to see if we'd caught any fish. If we had, I'd call to my father, so he would take the big fish and release the others. Sometimes he cooked right there at the river. Other times, he would salt the fish and take them home to dry, so we would have food for winter. My father said we should only eat the fish that swim upstream, because they are healthy.

One day, I received a call. My father needed to speak to me, so I went home that weekend to see him. He talked to me for two hours, and then finally said, “When I am gone, I want you to do something for me.” I just looked at him. He told me, “You need to take care of In Ge and your mother. You’re the only one I can count on to take responsibility.” He went on to say that he wanted me to go to the United States for an education. I was to study music and get a good husband. If I could not do either, I should join the Air Force, because they would give me an education. When he died, I was thirteen years old and in the ninth grade. In Ge was a sixth grader.

I remember very little about the funeral, but I remember how it was conducted. Korean funerals are completely different than American funerals. Over there, we have the funeral at home. All the family members and friends come over and stay throughout the funeral. The women make a funeral cloth from a natural fabric, which has a natural color. Every family member has to cover themselves from head to toe in the funeral cloth. I wore it over my clothes. I also wore a straw headband and straw shoes, because the custom is to make yourself physically uncomfortable while going through sorrow.

Now, my father comes to visit me as a butterfly. Every spring, Mike screams, “Mom, Grandpa is here!” These butterfly encounters are very happy moments. Even today, all my children and family members are glad to see butterflies. My children and I would be very disappointed if a butterfly did not come into the house every spring. Every time I see a butterfly, I feel like my father is still alive and talking to me. With this in mind, I tell my children to respect butterflies and never to harm one.

It was extremely important to me to improve my English. I had to remind myself all the time, “Be patient; it is going to be very slow.” When people spoke to me, I usually did not fully understand them and I could not respond quickly enough for most people. They thought I was slow or deaf, so they spoke louder and louder. I could hear them fine; I just wasn’t sure what they were saying. At those times, I felt that I had to speak as fast as I could. Sometimes, my mind went blank when I was trying too hard.

Most of the time, I would guess what people were saying to me. I tried to answer quickly, but it was not easy. Even today, I still have problems with some words, particularly those that have sounds like E and R. If I had to do it all over again, I would take time to do it right. I wonder if I had moved to a bigger city in the beginning, would it have been easier?

Sometimes, people in Robinson told me, “I like Chinese food.” Chinese food was probably the closest Asian thing they had experienced. I think they were trying to say, “It’s okay. Even if you are Chinese or Korean, we still like you.” They could not tell the difference between Korean, Chinese, or Japanese. People asked, “Are you Chinese or something?” I tried to explain that I am not Chinese; I am Korean. They would respond by saying, “You’re something like that; it’s pretty close.”

Some people associate Asian people with cooking and cleaning, which offends me when people think this is all we know how to do. Korean people work hard, especially when they come to the United States. Because of language barriers, they start businesses that do not require speaking a lot of English. Several times, people in Robinson stopped me on the street to ask me to clean their houses. This made me very sad, but also gave me some good ideas. I had to find my identity and discover who I am.

In 1977, after a long wait of five years, I really wanted to go home and see my family. I knew my mother and father were not there and it would not be the same, but I was hungry for any family. I needed someone who would understand how I think and feel. My family always knows how I feel, whether I am well or not. I never have to explain what I am trying to say. Also, Mike was four years old and had never met my family, so I thought it was time to go to Korea.

This was a very big deal and I had saved four years for this. I took out all of my savings for this visit. When we arrived in Korea, both of my sisters greeted us at the airport, dressed in authentic Korean clothes. We stayed at the Seoul Hotel for a few days then moved to my sister Sue’s house. They hired a minibus to take us to their home and treated me like I was a queen.

Next, we met with In Ge, who had just been discharged from the Army. He was staying with Sue and going to school. I was shocked by how little of the money he spent that I had sent him. He wasted nothing and went to great lengths to save every penny that he could. In Ge was very responsible and I always knew he had his head in the right place. He had a good work ethic and a warm, caring heart. He did not have to tell me how much he loved me, but I could feel it all the time. He reminded me of my father. I knew that we were going to be united for the rest of our lives.

The passengers had all exited the plane, but I could not find my brother. In Ge took so long to get off the plane that I was afraid he did not come. I finally found him. This was such an exciting day for me. When I brought In Ge home, I felt that I had redeemed myself from the guilt I had carried for the past six years. Finally, after five years of struggle, with the help of President Jimmy Carter, my brother was able to join me.

When we entered the house, a butterfly was inside. I believe that my father was waiting for us to get home, so he could greet us. Now, my father and mother would be very happy. I could sleep better at night. I felt guilty the whole time I had been in America. Before he arrived, I had recurring dreams with my father’s voice asking, “Why is In Ge not here with you?” Now he was with me. My father’s voice no longer questioned me and my mind was at peace.