From Base Camp To The Summit

Part 1 ‘As Mary sat alone (something she did more frequently these days) she felt sad, undervalued and lost. She felt sleepy, her mind was almost consumed with confusing thoughts, and the idea of sleep seemed impossible. Did Tom still love her? More confusing still was the fact that when she asked herself how she felt about Tom, she could not answer. She became even more confused and a sense of anxiety began to rise from within her. She still felt tired, but inside something was telling her that she really needed to speak with Tom about this, and she needed to do it straight away. She was very frightened as she made her way up the stairs, but she put the fear aside as she sat on the bed’. ‘Mary frequently found herself wondering if Tom could hear himself when he spoke of these people, or if in fact he was aware of how it sounded to her. She was left feeling worthless, as Tom would describe in detail how he had come to the rescue of one of the female members of staff when she was faced with a difficult customer’ ‘As time went on, Tom and Mary grew closer to their friends and work colleagues, but as a married couple, they had grown quite some distance apart. However, they did not want to admit it. For the sake of the kids, they just tolerated each other. They hardly spoke to one another and their sex life had ceased. As they continued to play happy families while in the company of their parents and siblings, no one would have suspected that anything was wrong. They seemed so close to each other. John and Lucy were now eight and nine years old, and taking a very active part in their school sports programs; they were also members of a local drama group. Tom and Mary would be there to watch them play sports or see them in a production put on by the drama group. However, although they were there in body, their minds and hearts were somewhere else.’ ‘Tom, as human beings we have values and ideals, values we recognize as good and well worthwhile and we make sacrifices to have them in our lives right now. “Our ideals are things we recognize as good and worthwhile, but we are not willing to make the sacrifices to bring them into our lives at this point in time and we put them on the long finger and say that we will look at them some time in the future. When the values and ideals in a relationship clash, it will cause conflict as it did in my own marriage.’ ‘It was the end of the working day and everyone was getting ready for the night out. Tom went into the men’s room, washed, shaved, and then put on his change of clothes. As he left and walked up the hall, he bumped into Kate, the woman who had been separated from her husband a few years previous. Tom was surprised to see her. She looked very well and Tom told her so. She thanked him, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and suggested that they have a drink together at some stage during the evening. Tom agreed and said he would look forward to that.’ As she passed the sitting room on her way to the kitchen, she could hear the TV. She looked in and seen Tom flat out on the wine-stained sofa.’ Neither party passed any comments. Tom rang work and said he was too ill to come in and he would see everyone the next day. Mary had already rang her place of work and said she was ill but she would also be back on the next day. They both knew that they really needed to talk, but neither of them was willing to get down off the fence to start; they sat in silence. Mary was the first to break the silence. This was the first time they had agreed with each other, in what seemed like years’. “Well you heard what that psychologist said,” he said we need help! “I know what he said, I was there,” Mary snapped back. “So what are we going to do about it,” Tom repeated again. “I suppose we should do as he suggested and find someone to talk to,” replied Mary, “but I'm not sure if I want to. Is there anything left to talk about?” ‘The counsellor then thanked them both and proceeded to take a letter from her folder. It was a report from the psychologist outlining his findings during the interview he had with Tom and Mary and of course, John. She then went on to ask Tom and Mary if they disagreed with anything the psychologist had said. They replied that they had agreed with the findings. “Do you think the problems in your relationship are having an effect on John,” she asked. They both agreed that the problems had an effect on John. The counsellor suggested six sessions of therapy over a six-week period. The first session, Mary would attend alone and Tom would do likewise in the second session. The remaining sessions they would attend together. ‘As she sat in the early morning traffic, she found herself looking in the rear view mirror. A sense of reality started to dawn on her. Here she was, a woman in her middle forties. Her marriage was over; she had no place to live, she had to arrange to see her kids and everything she owned was in two suitcases in the back of her car. “What on earth went wrong,” she asked aloud. “Where do I go from here?” By the time Tom and Mary separated, their two children were exhibiting classic signs of emotional and psychological damage.’   Part 2 ‘Firstly, we need to be aware that each individual is responsible for his or her behaviour. We may have been hurt in the past, or perhaps we are in a painful situation at present. Our hurts leave us with psychological and emotional scars, but please keep in mind the following quote. ‘A relationship is subject to five stages. They are infatuation, romance, disillusionment, misery, and re-awakening. This is a natural cycle and although at times it can be painful, it brings with it the opportunity for growth as individuals and as a couple. ‘We have all been there. You are going around just minding your own business or you may be on a night out and then suddenly there she/he is, the woman/man of your dreams. You scan the body, and then you make eye contact. Eventually you pluck up enough courage and you begin making small talk. The small talk leads to more in depth conversation and before you know it you have been talking all night. You have spoken about everything and anything and you had so much fun. Amazingly, you even like the same food, the same films, and the similarities are uncanny. It’s as if you’ve known each other all your life. You may have taken your relationship to a more intimate level and surprise, surprise, it is the best sex you ever had. Everything is just perfect. You are in love, floating along on cloud 9, and nothing could possible ever tear you apart.’ ‘The misery stage can leave a couple feeling depressed and trapped. They feel they are in a black hole; and backed into a corner and the only way out is divorce or separation. The danger of an extramarital affair is very real. We need also be aware that when we first laid eyes on our partner, whether that was across a crowded room or at a bar, the first thing we were drawn to was the physical being. We were not concerned with how intelligent they were. We did not know what political opinions they held. Their religious believes were not known, and on I could go, as there was so much about that person that you didn’t know and so it could only have been a physical attraction in the initial circumstances’ ‘If we continue in our relationship and have not been totally honest and open with our spouse there are two consequences. Firstly, your marriage will not reach its true potential. Secondly, even though you and your spouse may be working hard to improve your relationship the fact that skeletons remain in the cupboard suggest that you have not fully dealt with the past.’