The Widow-bago Tour

We walked across City Hall Plaza and suddenly Faneuil Hall came into view. I had butterflies in my stomach. I was excited, but fear was bouncing all the potential heart-wrenching triggers through my mind. I caught my breath and kept my worries to myself. I was on a journey and I didn’t want anyone to swerve me off-track. It was a day of new memories as well as walking through old ones. It was all a part of healing. Books I have read by professionals on the subject of grief repeatedly suggested creating new memories to aid in moving forward. I agree, but you can’t just throw your past away, especially if you like it. I know I’ve had other traumatic events in my life and even with therapy they still haunt me. So I just do the best I can and try to live in both worlds in harmony. It was summer, and the place was buzzing with excitement, as it always does that time of year. I could smell the many cultural foods sizzling on grills in the Food Court. The air was filled with sounds of joyful people, traffic and horns, and humidity. The audio and visual stimuli were sending my brain into an overload mode. I shut it all out until I was beaming inside. I felt connected to Will there. I kept it to myself and took it all in. I was carried off by my imagination for a few minutes as I sat on a bench. It conjured up a vision I so badly wanted to be true. I felt as if my soul had transported me back to the day Will and I were there, so I could have the gift of one more time. Suddenly, I heard a siren and woke from my daydream. It was getting to be lunchtime and I felt a little lightheaded from the heat and humidity and decided I should eat. I got some fresh-squeezed lemonade first and then we wandered through the Food Court to determine what would appease our taste buds. I already knew I’d have a scallop and bacon shish-kabob. I had one with Will and it was both delicious and filling. Then, I’d also get dessert at a little place that has the best strawberry topped cheesecake. I was replaying the vacation we had there. I felt a natural pull to do so. I wanted to breathe in every ounce of pleasure it would bring to me. These quirky things give me peace so I just go with the flow. Fortunately, my guests allowed me to do so without judging me. I’m sure many people sometimes wonder how I have managed to avoid being admitted into the psychiatric ward. I say, let them live through this curve ball I’ve been thrown… We had our lunch and dessert and then resumed our tour of Faneuil Hall. While we were indoors eating, clouds had moved in and it smelled like rain was coming. We roamed around outdoors with the ability to run for quick cover if the clouds decided to let loose above us, which they did. It was a brief storm which passed over quickly. In its wake, it left the air smelling rich with moisture from the added humidity. In just a few moments the sky began to clear and I noticed a rainbow and then another one over the top of it. A double rainbow – how thrilling! In excitement, I pointed and burst out, “Look at the rainbows!” I felt in my heart they were from my husband, but I didn’t want to dwell on it so I held that thought to myself. However, Miranda spoke up and mentioned they were a gift from Will. She expressed how proud he was of me for all I’m doing, not only for others but for myself. I basked in the moment. Eventually, the rainbow faded and we moved on and continued peeking into the shops that surrounded the historical Town Meeting House of the 1700’s. I think Will was toying with me at that point. First, I heard our Frank Sinatra song playing right inside a shop doorway, The Way You Look Tonight. It always makes me smile because it’s not often that I hear it. Good thing or the signals may get confusing. I stood and closed my eyes for a brief moment and remembered when my husband held me close and we danced to that song many times in our living-room. Since I heard the heartwarming music, I decided to step into the store and browse. Sometimes I find trinkets that steal my breath away and just have to purchase them. Not sure if it’s impulse or my husband directing me, I follow the instinct to do so. As I was looking at pewter letter openers I smelled Right Guard Sport deodorant, the one my husband wore. I turned and looked around only to discover I was the only person in the store and the employee was a woman, I would guess in her fifties. Perhaps that is her deodorant of choice, but then again – I had smelled the scent before, when I was completely alone both indoors and outside. Will had to be with me. Will and I had shopped for letter openers on many occasions. I was in the market for one with a lobster tail for a handle. Low and behold, there it was. Funny, how those signals led me right to the case where it was displayed. I smiled and felt a warm tingle go over my body. I inquired with the sales associate to make the purchase. As she was processing the sale she kept looking at me. I opened the conversation by asking her, “Do I know you?” She said, “I get the feeling I know you, but can’t place how.” Her facial expression revealed confusion and then she smiled, “I know now,” she said with relief, “I read your book, No Regrets, My Love.” “You did?” I asked proudly, “I hope you liked it.” “Like it? I loved it.” “I’m on a book tour in the area,” I said. “You should come to one of my events. They are pretty special. You see, they aren’t your typical book signing event; they’re more like a healing forum for grievers. I’m in Newburyport, Andover and Cambridge in the next few days.” I explained the setting a little better to the sales associate and she thanked me. The woman had also lost a husband and told me she’d love to come out to one of the events. I wrote down the date, time and locations for them and handed her my business card. She is another person with an aching heart in need of healing. I left the shop with a feeling of euphoria and believed that stop was a destination marked on my preplanned journey. I’ve always believed that sometimes, even an insignificant random act of kindness can be a monumental deed for another. So I keep doing what I’m doing, it comes so natural. Finally, I ran into my sister. We had all split up as we entered shops of individual interest. I can get lost in my own world at times and was worried I had wandered far off track, but everyone was pretty much in the same vicinity. Soon all in our party migrated toward my sister and me with bags in hand. Each had great success in finding a few trinkets they just couldn’t turn their backs on and had smiles on their faces. Sometimes, shopping gives women such a sense of accomplishment. We navigated toward the subway, but grabbed some fresh-squeezed lemonade for the ride home. Once on the train, the car was filled with laughter as we shared stories of the day’s adventures.