I Am The Keeper of my Soul

Balance Is The Key To Peace

I have always had an energy pushing me along, forcing me to live life a little too quickly. Always jumping ahead of the gun. Answering, before the question is finished being asked. Worrying about tomorrow, and erasing today. Focusing on the doctor's appointment at 3, from the time I got up, and learning to make appointments early in the day. When I was 12, I couldn't wait to be 13, a teenager. When I was 13, I couldn't wait to be 17 so I could drive. When I was 17, I was reaching for the drinking age of 18. Never satisfied in the spot I stood. My mind, body, and spirit were never aligned. My mind was thinking one thing, while my body was doing something else, and my spirit was lost beneath the layers of anxiety.

Always planning ahead, and never absorbing the wonders of each minute. Raising 3 kids, always on the go, but never enjoying what was happening at the time. I decided a few years ago, that I was going to take some time for myself, and go on a little journey of discovery. My destination? Balance. I wanted my whole being to be in tune at the same time. At the time, it seemed like an insurmountable task, but I was determined. I was angry, that much I knew, and I assumed it was because of the tumultuous relationship I always had with my dad, whom i fought with daily, but adored. He was my hero, and even though he's gone from Earth, he still is. I knew I wanted his love and respect, and not having it, sometimes affected my own personality. I had a chip on my shoulder, and flicked it often, especially when alcohol had been ingested to try and hide the pain.

It never worked, and only made matters worse. So, I was aware I had to come to terms with my dad before I could really start to heal. I managed to do so, and was told he loved me and was proud of me, and that made all the difference in the World. The anger was lifted. The constant frustration was gone. Now, on to other things that kept me off balance. I had to change the way I thought. "Things" that used to anger me with intensity, had to be interpreted in my mind in a calmer way. In the realm of things, it didn't matter to the point of anger, that I had just burned my favorite blouse with the iron. I didn't have to get mad when the bottom of the grocery bag broke and the groceries went everywhere.

It's understandable to be annoyed as I picked each item up, but anger that hurts the heart, mind, and soul, is uncalled for, especially over trivial "things." I had to get to the bottom of the pain that triggered that behavior, and correct it, and once I did, I could accept the trivial things much easier. Other habits changed as well. I was able to listen to someone talk, and not interrupt. There wasn't that nervous energy pushing me ahead at lightening speed. I could wait my turn! I was calmer with my kids, my tolerance level was raised. I didn't get aggravated as quickly. I was working towards balance, and I was determined to get there.

A period of time was filled with negativity and stress, but I'm back on track now. I feel in balance, but what does that feel like? It feels like meditation, only all the time. My mind is at rest, my body responds to reflexology, and my soul is reassured, and whole. It is a foreign feeling. It feels good, soft, warm, enlightened, and calm. So many lessons had to be learned to get to this point. So many emotions felt. So much fear to work through. So many decisions to make. The steering of the mind; pushing it away from fearful and negative thoughts and trying to keep it within a positive frame.

God allows to happen what He knows and foresees to be best. We need to figure out how to deal with that, whether it be in a positive way or a negative way. If we can keep our beings balanced, the ride through life isn't as frightening. Balance allows our minds to focus, and think things through and make the right decisions. It keeps us from feeling hurt as deeply as we could. It tolerates more of life's ups and downs, and isn't as frustrated by misfortune. Nothing is ever going to be absolute, not good, or bad. The easier we deal with reality, the calmer our lives will be.