Recovery From Sexual Addiction: A Man’s Guide

Highlights of the Origin of Sexual Addiction Here is a brief summary of the origin of sexual addiction. There may be other elements. We will only explore those that research has proven to apply to large numbers of sexually addicted men. It is impossible to say that this or any other model applies to all men who deal with unwanted sexual behavior. However, the prevalence is high enough to allow the following generalizations. Age-inappropriate exposure to sexual behavior or material A young child cannot be exposed to sexual behavior or material without consequences. A child does not have the life experiences to put such an event into perspective. Our sexuality begins very early in life and nature intends it to evolve as we age. It is very normal for a young child to touch his genitals. It is not normal for a person other than a loving care giver to touch a child. A child instinctively knows the difference. A child also instinctively knows that pornographic material is not part of his normal environment. Such exposure is traumatic to a child. For many, it is a trauma that they will remember for the rest of their lives. If parents do not normalize the event (explain and put it into perspective for the child) it may be a beginning factor which will lead to sexual addiction later in life. Family environment and structure Most sexually addicted men come from a family environment that did not meet their childhood needs for affection or emotional support. Often children who live in dysfunctional families feel a sense of abandonment by their parents. The parents simply were not there for the child in a way that led to feelings of self-confidence and love. The child felt isolated from his parents and his siblings. The family was usually either rigid or chaotic. If the family was rigid, the child thought that he had to measure up to his parents’ expectations of him or he may have concluded that he was not a worthy human being. Family rules were conveyed explicitly, often by yelling, critical nagging, or body language. Body language in a rigid family may include the deep sigh, a frown, abruptly disconnected conversation, or the look that could kill. In either mode, the child receives the message that he is deficient. A rigid family is often performance-based. That is, for the child to be loved, he has to perform. Getting good grades, doing well in sports, and having a physically fit body are some examples of conditional love. The child frequently thinks that it is not possible for him to perform in the way his parents require. The adage, “Children are to be seen and not heard,” is characteristic of a rigid family. The family is run by a system of rules. Punishment for not abiding the rules of behavior is often accompanied by parental scorn. In his book, Facing the Shadow, Carnes (2010) says: "Sex addicts also tend to come from rigid, authoritarian families. These are families in which all issues and problems are black and white. Little is negotiable and there is only one way to do things. Success in the family means doing what the parents want to such an extent that children give up being whom they are. Normal child development does not happen. By the time children enter adolescence, they have few options. One is to become rebellious. The other is to develop a secret life about which the family knows nothing. Both positions distort reality. Both result in a distrust of authority and a poor sense of self. If the family’s rigidity is also sex negative (that is, children are taught that sex is dirty, sinful, bad, or nasty), sex becomes exaggerated or hidden. Worse yet, the forbidden can become the object of obsession. Or all of the above may happen. The worst-case scenario happens when the child finds out that parents are not living up to their sexual standards. For example, if the parents preach against sexual promiscuity but one or both chronically have affairs, this teaches the acceptability of sexual duplicity. The norm is to deceive others and to pretend that what is true is not true." The chaotic family is on the opposite end of the spectrum. A child in a chaotic family thinks he has no thoughts that are his own. His parents are always penetrating the boundaries of his world. The child has no space he can call his own. In a chaotic situation the family name is of paramount importance. It is the job of all family members to look good to the neighbors. If a member of the family fails, it was the job of the family to close ranks and protect the wounded member. In both a rigid and a chaotic family, the child ends up feeling the same. He is not loved for whom he is as a human being. Such children feel isolated and seek other avenues to express themselves. For some it becomes sex, even though sex is often considered bad or dirty and is rarely talked about. When a child feels isolated and detached from his parents, he is unable to go to them with confidence that they will love him when something bad has happened. For most young children who are exposed to age-inappropriate behavior or material, instinct tells them that something bad has happened. Their fear of parental discovery discourages them from seeking the very healing that comes from parental intervention. This is the very time that a child needs his parents most. It is critical that parents are called upon to explain to the child that his exposure to age-inappropriate behavior or material was not his fault, and as a child, he could not be responsible. Parental guidance is needed to explain that the normal body reaction to sexual touch or material—arousal—is not bad. It is normal at the proper time and circumstances. A traumatized child needs to know that he is loved unconditionally and that this bad event does not change his parents’ love. When a child believes he cannot trust his parents to love him at the time of exposure to age-inappropriate behavior or material, he withdraws into himself and becomes even more isolated. He now has a huge troubling secret that he believes he cannot share. Many children even begin to blame themselves for the event, when all the logical signs point elsewhere. The child is often permanently damaged.