101 Lessons In Love

Lesson #1 ~ Simple, kind gestures can mean so much more.

One day as Andy and I stood in the shower together, I realized I had to write a book about being in Andy’s presence. I wanted to make sure all the ways that he loved me would live beyond our lives. In that moment, I wanted to leave a recorded history of what my life was like living with this wonderful man and share all the ways that he was beyond kind and thoughtful.

What had Andy done in that moment to possess me to write a book about him? He had turned the water warmer before stepping aside during our weekend ritual of showering together so I could step under the spray of the water and rinse the shampoo out of my hair. This weekend ritual, what I affectionately called the “Mueller Spa,” was more than a mutual drive for cleanliness, but rather, tender loving care mixed with erotic pleasure as we playfully washed each other’s bodies. Andy knew I liked the spray of the shower water to be warmer than he did, so he reached down and turned the handle to ensure the water temperature was perfect for me. It was at that moment that I realized this man, my husband of two years now, went out of his way to make sure my path in life was as pleasant for me as was within his power to give. It was obvious to me now that both small and significant ways of loving me were equally important to him, whether it was in a small way such as turning the shower temperature to my liking, or in something as significant as wrapping his life around me with love.

I was touched by his thoughtful gesture and told him so. “I want to write a book about you, about us,” I exclaimed. We spent the rest of our shower time together brainstorming titles and ideas for the book. Andrew’s Love, Andrew’s Light, just Andrew, or Andrew & Deborah: 101 Ways to Get Marriage Right were some of our inspirations. It was fun to talk about chapter ideas, about the ways that I had recognized his love for me, and sharing thoughts about special actions he had taken that he didn’t even realize had impacted my life.

The fact that I am not a writer in the true sense of the word did not matter in those moments. What mattered was telling the love story about a marriage that went right. More importantly, I would focus on which actions spoke louder than words and which words were spoken with love. I wanted to share what connections were made that would enable us to see our way through the times of dense fog that would inevitably appear as it does in any committed relationship.

All of this began because Andy reached down to turn the handle and change the water temperature to make my experience with him as perfect for me as he possibly could. I, in turn, accepted and appreciated his gesture for what it was and loved him that much more.

Question #1 ~ What is one simple, kind gesture that you could do for your partner that would be meaningful to them, and what is one simple kind gesture that your partner could do for you?

Challenge #1 ~ Once a week, schedule a few minutes to sit down next to your partner. Face each other, look into each other’s eyes, and take turns asking for a specific act of kindness that you could perform for each other over the next week that would be meaningful. This act could be something as simple as giving your partner a five minute backrub, going for a walk together, or allowing them one hour of uninterrupted time alone to read a book or take a bubble bath. The idea with this lesson is to find out specific acts of kindness that you want to receive from your partner and to discover specific acts of kindness that would be meaningful to your partner in return. What often happens is that we give our partners what we are looking to receive. That is not necessarily what our partners need or want. Take the time to find out what you would both appreciate receiving, and then enjoy giving that gift to each other.

Lesson #26 ~ Be generous with your support of each other’s goals.

I was accepted into the Master of Arts counseling program at Heidelberg University in May of 2005. After clearing the hurdle of earning my Bachelor’s Degree in psychology, it was time to begin the work to jump over this next hurdle, the bar having been set higher.

Andy was supportive of my educational goals, but he went beyond supportive and became directly involved. He took a copy of my Master of Arts in Counseling worksheet and framed it, then proceeded to hang it in the office of his home. This way we could both watch my progress through the sixty credit hour graduate program.

From the first semester on, Andy took the framed worksheet off the wall and would mark down the semester I completed the class along with the grade I received. I worked hard and wanted to do well for both of us.

When the grades came in from my first graduate semester, I called Andy to let him know that I had received an A. My first step toward jumping over the hurdle was victorious. The following weekend when I was up at Andy’s, he took a moment and requested that I sit on the couch and close my eyes because he had a surprise for me. I happily closed my eyes as he left the room. “No peaking,” Andy called from downstairs. I heard his footsteps ascend the stairs and I could hear him coming closer. “Okay, open them.” he said with delight.

I opened my eyes to find Andy standing before me with outstretched hands holding a large, ornately decorated green box. The box was beautiful and heavy as he handed it to me with a huge grin on his face. “Congratulations on receiving your first of many As in graduate school.” he said still smiling. I was surprised, surprised that Andy really cared as much as he did about my educational achievements.

I opened the box to find two champagne glasses adorned with delicate pink flowers with green leaves outlined in gold, with a matching bottle of champagne adorned with the same delicate flowers. These three pieces of artwork lay elegantly over green silk material. They were almost too beautiful to disturb. I wanted time to stand still and for me and Andy to live in this moment forever. Andy assured me there was much more happiness in store for us, that this was just the beginning. We opened the bottle of champagne and filled our two glasses. “A toast to you and your first A.” Andy said as he held his glass up for me to touch gently with mine. We drank more toasts to continued success in completing my degree.

Every semester for three years, Andy took the Master of Arts in Counseling Worksheet down and filled in the grades. He was there through the entire time, celebrating the As and hugging me extra tight through the disappointment of my one and only B. He gave me the gift of his love, encouragement, support, and an extraordinary beautiful bottle of champagne with our two matching glasses.

Question #26 ~ How do you and your partner support each other’s goals?

Challenge #26 ~ Whatever you or your partner are attempting to accomplish in life, join together by actively supporting each other’s goals. Be a cheerleader for each other. Rally around the process of reaching the goal. Take the journey together as much as possible. For example, go out of your way to provide a quiet atmosphere when studying is involved; prepare a care package of healthy snacks or treats when time between events for the day is limited; or offer a ten minute neck or foot massage to ease the body’s tension. Be actively present for each other.

Lesson #33 ~ Choose your most valuable possessions carefully. Of all the material items that we own, I would hope that when Andy and I no longer inhabit this Earth, that our children fight over who receives our most valuable possessions, our pair of magic wands. We have fishing poles, bicycles, golf clubs, bowling balls, and boats, but we also have two very special magic wands.

Once when we were visiting the Detroit Science Center’s gift shop..