This Poison Called Depression

I was sitting in study hall in high school and there was a knock on the door. The teacher in charge went to the door and then he came to me. “Your brother is in the hall and would like to talk to you.” I went out to my brother, Howard, and he said: “Dad and someone else had to take Mom to Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she can receive treatment for a nervous breakdown. You can ride home as you normally do and we’ll go from there.” After he left I thought, “Nervous breakdown? What in the world is that?” As I thought about it, I began to speculate that maybe some of the “unusual” behavior of Mom lately was related to this breakdown. She could hardly vacuum the carpet, wash our clothes, cook, or polish the floors. She complained about being exhausted most of the time.
Later that day my basketball coach approached me and said, “Larry I heard about your mom going to the hospital today. If you would rather not play tonight that is ok with me, you do not have to. But I’ll leave the choice to you.” I said, “I do not know what else I would do if I did not play so I would prefer to play.” I played one of the best games of my life. I had twelve points by halftime, but did not score a point the second half.
This event was an early indication that this “breakdown” could affect my life in unusual ways. As the years passed the word “breakdown” was no longer used to describe what mom had. Instead the words major depression or clinical depression came into use. In those days, little did I know that what mom was experiencing would become one of my major challenges as well.
“At the most unexpected moments it slips people its dark poison. One scarcely notices the initial sting. Slowly, insidiously, the poison spreads until the victim finds herself cut off from life by a gray veil. The monster, what Winston Churchill, a longtime sufferer called the ‘Black Dog,’ is depression” (Timmerman 213).
Since I turned 40 in February of 1984, I have had eight episodes of major depression. By episode, I mean a period of time ranging from 6–24 weeks of clinical (major) depression as diagnosed by a psychiatrist. One episode, the last to this point, lasted for 18 months. Each episode has consisted of feelings of being overwhelmed, high anxiety, worthlessness, emptiness, hopelessness, incompetence, joylessness, lack of clarity and ability to concentrate. All of these feelings and characteristics are in direct contradiction to much of what one’s life in Christ can be. We are promised as Christians by our Lord: “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). “Fullness of Life” seems non-existent when one is depressed.
When we think of the first and greatest commandment, we are reminded that it centers in love. We are to love God, love our neighbor and love ourselves. Depression undermines our ability to love. It makes us feel miserable and focus almost entirely on ourselves so that genuine care for another hardly exists. When we think of the fruit of the Holy Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control—the feelings associated with depression seem once again, completely opposite to what is ours as inheritors of God’s grace in Christ. This is part of the burden that the Christian depressed person bears. Sometimes fellow Christians will insensitively remind him/her of this gap between what one believes is true as a Christian but in actual fact is missing. Certainly the ever present self will remind him or her of this contradiction. Unashamedly it accuses: “you are a complete phony and a hypocrite.” This is only one of the major causes of pain associated with depression as I have experienced it. There are many more.
I will attempt in this small book to describe the pain of depression, so that we might better understand it and what it does to a person. I also will describe God’s ever present gracious comfort, in the hope that others may find strength where I have found it. The need is great since the incidence of major depression is high: “According to some estimates, nearly 20 million people in this country are depressed—twice as many women as men. Many of them have good reason to be sad, but others would appear to be sitting on top of the world. “Depression, ‘the common cold of mental-health problems,’ strikes the rich and the poor as well as the young and the old” (Rosenfeld 10) Archibald Hart, former dean of the Graduate School of Psychology and Professor of Psychology at Fuller Theological Seminary, writes, “Between 17 and 20% of the population can expect to become depressed in a lifetime” (37).
According to Dan Blazer, professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Duke University, “In a typical congregation of 200 adults, 50 will experience depression at some point, and at least 30 are currently taking antidepressants” (25).