Treasures of the Kingdom

First, I have a confession to make.

I woke one morning troubled about something. You know how when you've felt God spoke to you in your sleep but you can’t quite remember the details.

In that just-woken fog, the unclear message nagged at me. I felt it must be important, yet trying to focus on “it” almost gave me a headache.

I shook the feeling of the unknown for a little while and proceeded with my morning routine. I said to myself if I would divert my thinking, I'd possibly remember this word from the Lord that must be significant. In my heart of hearts, I didn't want to miss a word from God. I retrieved my cup of coffee, my Bible, and a devotional book for a time of meditation. I read my scriptures, struggling to enter that condition beyond the physical senses when the Spirit tries the hardest to take over.

Suddenly, piercing thoughts interrupted me. A past experience percolated up to the surface about an occasion when a Christian friend accused me of something I didn't do. I thought I'd forgiven and forgotten the incident, although I had not confronted the individual personally, since he'd moved away and at the time, I had no way to contact him. I did one of those, “Lord, forgive him for he knows not what he does” declarations, and I buried the incident. But here it was again and as I dwelt on the experience, that ugly head of anger began to erupt. “How could he do that? Didn't he know me better than that? Am I so incompetent I can't make myself clear to people?”

I don't like feeling angry, so soon I began to probe my unexpected emotion. What was it really? It occurred to me that underneath anger hides hostile fear. What was I afraid of? The Bible in 1 John 4:18 tells us not to be afraid; that if the love of God is in us, we should not fear. Yet here it was. In a flash of honesty, I had to admit that this hostile fear was an expression of my one ancient fear. I have been afraid I would not be loved. Sometimes I still wonder about love. There are reasons behind this, since I was raised in a broken home. But that was many years ago, so I can't blame that anymore. Just sometimes doubt raises its ugly head to taunt me. I closed my eyes to think on things and a clear voice said, “Pay attention.”