Those Outrageous Outdoors

“Shhh! Be quiet! Things are getting dimmer and muddier. It’s also foggy. We must be getting closer to the swamp. Everyone. Keep your eyes peeled for the Allicat. Remember, it helps watch over the swamp for the Crocadoodle,” Phil said in a hushed voice. “Hmm… peeled eyeballs. Sounds deliciousss…” came a hissing voice from over their heads. Everyone froze in their tracks. Slowly they all looked around and above them to see who, or what had said that to them. When they looked up they saw a catlike creature. It wore the dark grey armor of a cold-blooded, stony reptilian, an alligator with the head of a cat. It stared down at them with humongous catlike eyes that were glowing a ghastly chartreuse green. “Holy Buckets! Let’s get the heck outa’ here!” Phil yelled as they all turned and started to run back to where they’d come from. Wham! They forgot Momma was at the back of the line and all ran right into her giant bear belly. They bounced off it one by one. “Just where do you think you’re going?” she asked the bug-eyed group lying spread all over the ground around her. “Look up there! Look at it! Let’s scram!” Squeaver said in a voice that was not so smart now. Momma Bear said to all of them, laying there like a herd of fainting goats, “Are you really going to let that mangy old cat, that looks like he’s been chasing mice in a nuclear waste site, scare you?” she asked as they all lay there, staring up. “Yes!” They all answered at once. The Allicat looked at Momma Bear and said, “Oh, you’re one of those types who think you can show your bravery by insulting me. Think I’ll back down because you are a large, mighty bear. Hmm… No! I don’t think so! Won’t work! I’m not scared. As matter of fact watch this.” As everyone but Momma lay on the ground, still frozen with fear, the Allicat slithered down the tree. She wound her way through the scattered web of fallen, would-be champions. They now hoped she would just glide right past them as they lay motionless on the slimy, wet ground of the swamp. Maybe she would not notice their pounding hearts and shaking limbs as they felt her cold armor touch them as she passed each one. With a catlike movement, its body creeping low to the ground, she slowly made her way closer to the great bear that stood before her, awaiting the next move to be made. The Allicat, being ever so cool, made her way up a small outcropping of rock, finding her way to the edge. She came eye to eye with the mighty bear that stood in front of her. One by one she extended a razor-like claw, scratching them on the rocks and making a shrill noise. The magnificent bear drew her head closer to the Allicat. They were now face to face, staring straight into each other’s eyes, feeling each other’s hot smelly breath. The Allicat was making a low growl, such as those of a cat in a fight over the last piece of garbage in a dark alley. That’s when Momma Bear inhaled deeply and made her move. “BOO!” she shouted with all the roar and might of her breed and ancestry. The Allicat leapt straight up in the air and clung to a nearby tree so tightly the tree top fell off and landed in the swamp. The splash awoke the threatening creature they were to face next. With the rest of her posse still laying face up on the marsh, Momma Bear could hear the faint ripple of swamp water, as it was disturbed by something large entering it. Slowly she turned. Her sharp eyes pierced the dimly lit fog, to see what had so quietly entered the water. She was already aware of what was swimming slowly towards her. Yes, indeed. It was the Crocadoodle! She watched a large V-shaped ripple form on top of the water, as the beast leisurely swam straight to where she stood, waiting. With Momma Bear’s stare not leaving the creature that was coming ever closer, Phil, still sweating in a state of pure fear, came up with an idea. As everyone lay motionless, Phil had to let some of the group that lay near him know what his plan was without making too much noise. In a voice so quiet he was afraid it wouldn’t be heard. Yet with great hope, he set forth his plan. “PSSTT, PSSTT. Hey Barney… Move your paw, I mean foot, if you can hear me,” Phil said softly. Barney moved his foot so slightly. It could barely be seen. Phil saw it move so he knew he could be heard. “OK, Barney. When the Crocadoodle comes out of the water, get down on all fours and start to bark. The Crocadoodle will see you and maybe, for a second, the poodle part of him will take over and he won’t try and eat you. Maybe he will try to make friends or at least come over and sniff your… you know.” “What part of ‘Not Me!’ don’t you understand? What if he comes over and realizes I am part human and he wants an appetizer? And, I can’t bark like a dog any more. I hope you have another plan ‘cause he’s almost at the shore where Momma Bear is and I don’t want to be Crocadoodle bait!”