This is Not My Life

My story has taken years to uncover, document and understand. I began this journey of discovery when I was 43 years old. When my father died unexpectedly from an accident in his home, I entered into deep depression. But it took 9 years before I was completely ready to face the facts that were trying so desperately to surface. I spent those 9 years being medicated with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. None of these treatments “cured” me. Needless to say, none of the counselors were looking for sexual abuse because I did not present myself as an abuse victim. I just did not know why I was the way I was. Besides medication, I began attending a weekly in-depth Bible Study. This was growing my faith and strengthening my relationship with Jesus. During those 9 years, I went through some very dark times. Nothing I did seemed to heal me. I was frustrated at my inability to get past anger, hurt, and mourning my father’s death. I could not figure out why I was angry or hurt. I began to think that this was now the reality of my life. But God was using all these experiences during this time. Jesus was walking right by my side during the physical and mental ups and downs of this time. And He knew I had to walk this path to heal. He knew it was the right time and the perfect time for me to face this past trauma. This journey has been like putting a jigsaw puzzle together. What makes it so difficult is that I did not have all the pieces. To this day, many pieces are missing. Even some of my border pieces are missing. But with each puzzle piece found, the bigger picture of the puzzle becomes clearer. God revealed each puzzle piece to me. Each memory was recalled at the right time. The God who sees me and knows me, knew the exact moment when I needed to recall it. He knew the time when I was strong enough to handle it. He knew! And not only that, He was also with me, holding me, comforting me, loving me. Trauma does not just go away. There is no magic button, magic day, or magic age when it all just disappears, and you are all better. There is no “just getting over it.” Don’t I wish it were as easy as “just get over it.” Trauma consumes us. Trauma seeps into every pore. Trauma puts us into survival mode. Our thoughts, our feelings, and our actions toward ourselves, and toward others, are ALL affected by our trauma, for the rest of our lives. Trauma rewires the brain. That does not mean we cannot heal from and cope with our trauma as adults, but at times, it can be a daily battle. There is no forgetting trauma, there is only coping. I can now understand that trauma is exactly like a serious physical disease; it is like a cancer. Trauma’s effects are on the inside. You cannot just wish them away. They have altered our brain and our psyche. They have changed how we perceive ourselves and the world. And you must face and address these effects. In my case, I was unaware of these toxic effects. But God saw them. In His divine wisdom, He knew they must be excised and healed in order for me to grow. He ordained the precise time in my journey to face the trauma.