Nightmares And Thoughts Of A Vietnam Vet
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Why Do I Cry?
Since I started my therapy for PTSD, my wife, Elizabeth, and I have noticed a big change in my attitude and my personality. I have relaxed a little, now I know what my problem is, and can cope with it. I have taken more control of my life, and my wife is very happy with this. I had built walls around me to protect myself from something that I thought was a problem with me, I thought I was the only one suffering like I did with my nightmares, fears, anxiety, loneliness, guilt, anger, and my flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts. I refused to discuss my war nightmares, and my anger. I just held everything inside of me, as if I was protecting something very delicate and valuable. I suppose my fear was that something was very wrong with me, even though I had some control over my problem; I did not know what I had. I had no idea of PTSD.
I finally convinced myself that I was chosen, special, because I had survived
The reason I thought I was special, was because after living with my nightmares and fears, I realized that I had a gift for recognizing other individuals with problems. I started to concentrate on other people’s problem to forget my own. I started helping others, staying occupied this way, helped me ignore my problems. When my supervisors at work noticed that I was helping others, they not only allowed this, but they encouraged me to help other employees at work. I let my supervisors know what I was doing and what the final results or solutions were, and everything worked out fine. Because of my pain, my fears, and my nightmares, it seemed that this made me more sensitive to others’ problems. I still had my temper, loneliness, helplessness, guilt, isolation, anxiety, my nightmares, my anger, sometimes I had headaches, and I had flashbacks, but I took it all in stride.
I became a workaholic; I lost myself in my work. I forgot to be a Husband and Father; I was so involved in myself. As my marriage deteriorated, I applied myself to my work. This cost me my first marriage, and I never understood what went wrong.
Because of the constant nightmares that have plagued me since
I do
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About the Book
I write this book in hopes of reaching other service personnel or citizens that are experiencing the same feelings of, guilt, anger, or fears that I have suffered… because of a traumatic experience. I have learned that not only war, but also any kind of traumatic event can cause the symptoms of anger, anxiety, loneliness, frustration, isolation, flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts.
My nightmares started before I left Vietnam, and they intensified with time. I did not know why I slowly changed, but these changes of uncontrollable outbursts of anger, frustration, isolation, anxiety, loneliness, and the horrible nightmares and flashbacks of Vietnam, caused a lot of suffering not only for me, but for my family, friends, and loved ones. It took me years to control my temper, and I learned to work only at night to keep the nightmares in check. This helped, but I still did not know the actual problem, only that there was something wrong, this kept me with stomach problems, chest pains, headaches, and edgy for many years.
I would like to thank the Veterans’ Administration and the Loma Linda Veterans’ Hospital for the help I have received through them, and for giving my nightmares a name, “PTSD.” Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, that is what they diagnosed, and even though I refused to accept this at first, now I am learning how to deal with my problem. The professional and qualified personnel at the Veteran’s Hospital have given me strength, tools, training, and the support to fight my demons, and to write this book.
I would also like to thank my wife, Elizabeth, my sons Michael, Paul, Paulo, Mark, and my daughters, Rosie and Majalia, for their support, encouragement, and understanding, to help me get out of the dark, and fight my demons.
About the Author
I was born in Harlingen, Texas and raised in Corpus Christi, Texas, where I graduated from Roy Miller High School on May 1962. I joined the Marine Corps the day of my graduation. My official date of enlistment is May 28, 1962, which is the day I arrived at the Marine Corps Recruit Depot (MCRD) in San Diego, California.
I received an honorable discharge in 1966, after four years and four months as a proud member of the United States Marines Corps. My tour of duty in Chu Lai, Vietnam, started in August 1965 until April 1966. I was with “ Suicide Charley” 1-7 assigned to the Third Marine Division. A Company outpost in the Chu Lai Peninsula or Platoon outpost miles in front of our main lines was where I did my tour of duty in Vietnam.
I learned the importance and the cost of the Liberties and Freedoms we enjoy in this Country. These poems and thoughts I have written are in memory of all Veterans that have held the line for us from the birth of our Nation to the present. Our service personnel know the consequences they have to pay for our freedoms, yet they stand tall, proud, and ready to sacrifice their all. I salute all men and women of our armed forces for their sacrifices, and our Allies that have stood steadfast with us through our times of peril.
I retired from The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department in 1997 after a 28-½ career as a Deputy Sheriff. I am now spending my time writing “Warrior Poetry.”
The International Library of Poetry has published one of my poems, “Young Men Of Liberty,” in a book titled “Twilight Musings.” I have included this Poem.