Savory Safeguards

Preview: SAVORY SAFEGUARDS Along the ridge of every mountain range there is an invisible marker called a watershed. When rain falls on that ridge, the flow divides toward two different destinations. Water on one side flows into one set of rivers, basins and ultimately a sea, while water on the other side of that invisible marker, flows to a different set of rivers,¬¬¬ basins and sea. A second meaning for “watershed” is “an event or period marking a turning point in a course of action or state of affairs.” Jim and I experienced this kind of watershed, or turning point in our marriage, the day we agreed to do our best to always treat each other with respect. We had been fighting over the same issue for almost seven years. It started out small, but because we didn’t know how to communicate well or manage our frustration in a healthy way, and didn’t have any understanding of healthy stepfamily strategies, that one issue had morphed into a green, slimy ghoul that polluted nearly every day with its ugliness. We’d looked for help in many places…books, tapes, marriage seminars, etc…but only recently had begun working with someone who was teaching us the basic, practical skills I wrote about in Communication Elixirs. We were working hard at using “I…” messages rather than the accusatory “You….” I was determined to eliminate sarcasm from my repertoire of emotional daggers. Jim was trying to stay engaged in an “issue discussion” rather than bolting. We had agreed to be corrected by the other if either of us forgot the rules. (If you haven’t yet read Communication Elixirs, you can download a free copy of the “Defective Communication Tools Inventory” at www.nancylandrum.com to learn about communication methods that damage a relationship every time one is used.) That day we sat down in our bedroom and painstakingly chose these new combinations of words to talk about “the issue.” We both swallowed our protests and accepted the other’s request to restate something without sarcasm or the “you” accusation. We made it through about 45 minutes of careful exchanges before we agreed to quit for the day. We were both exhausted from the effort of thinking our way through new ways of saying things and listening. As we stood, I stepped into Jim’s open arms for a hug. He said, “That felt so respectful. Let’s do our best to always treat each other with respect.” I agreed. The next few months our efforts to keep that agreement were laborious. If you’ve read Communication Elixirs you may remember Chapter 11 titled “Danger! Curves Ahead!” about how challenging it is to change lifetime communication habits. I refer to that time as my “straightjacket” period. I felt as though I was wearing a verbal straightjacket. I could not open my mouth without first checking inside: “Am I using respectful language? Is my tone of voice free from sarcasm? Is the volume low enough to pass Jim’s sensitivity monitor?” Only when my communication with Jim had passed all those “safeguards” would I allow myself to deliver my message to him. It took about four months for the new methods of communicating to begin to feel more comfortable, if not yet habitual. But we noticed the difference in the quality of our relationship after only about two weeks. We were both calmer. We began to drop the guarded stance that primed us for daily battles. The issue was not resolved for another several months, but our treatment of each other was increasingly respectful and considerate. We had frequent “dates” to discuss “the issue,” but were no longer approaching those discussions with dread. We were starting to remember why we married…we loved each other! Later we began referring to the day when we agreed to always treat each other with respect as our “watershed day.” That was the day our marriage began to heal—the day, and the practices, that moved us from the broken and desperate side of the relationship to the hopeful and healing side. My initial perception about the reason for the “respect” rule was so Jim would not be so reactive…I was controlling my communication and attitude toward him because he was “so sensitive.” After several weeks, however, I realized that I was feeling more self-respect! I liked myself better when I treated him with greater respect! Then this new respectful behavior toward him became something I did for myself. Respectful behavior increased my self-esteem. My new goal was not to just save my marriage, but to always treat others with respect because respectful behavior was a quality I wanted to characterize me. That awareness and inner choice become a secondary, but equally profound personal watershed for me. The lessons expanded to include other relationships, as well. Learning how to manage strong emotions and safely handle explosive topics helped me heal the relationships with my children and step-children. Those “safeguard” strategies have guided me—and continue to guide me—through the personal healing of old wounds and cleared the path for new growth. The adjective “savory,” as used in this title, Savory Safeguards, means: (a) piquantly pleasant to the mind, such as a savory triumph, (b) morally exemplary: edifying, (c) pleasing to the sense of taste especially by reason of effective seasoning and (d) pungently flavorful without sweetness. And “safeguards” means just what it says. (Merriam-Webster.com) The increasing respect that Jim and I found for ourselves and each other was definitely pleasant to the mind…a tasty triumph over the downhill slide toward divorce that we had been experiencing. There’s no doubt that our “win” over old, disrespectful patterns of behavior was morally exemplary…edifying! Even before we finally found a solution to our issue, our interactions now left a pleasant taste in our mouths…a welcome change from the bitterness left by previous exchanges. This commitment to always treat each other with respect, however, was not always characterized by the sweetness of kisses and love-making! Nevertheless, it blended a strong bodied and very welcome flavor to our Love Potion! The personal guidelines we adopted—the savory safeguards—gave us the ability to work out successful solutions, not only in our marriage, but in other relationships, as well. Realistically, every close or important relationship occasionally triggers volatile emotions such as hurt, anger or fear. In this volume of the Love Potions series, together we face the challenge of how to manage such strong emotions. We all need self-imposed internal guidelines to prevent our behavior from damaging ourselves and others. Those guidelines also serve to facilitate successful problem solving. This dual purpose is the basis for the concepts taught in Savory Safeguards. In Savory Safeguards you’ll find strategies that minimize hurt to yourself or another. You’ll learn how to stop disrespectful behavior before it vomits itself over you and the relationship. You’ll be given an easy guide for finding solutions to problems that meet both persons’ core concerns. You’ll be shown a practical plan for working with a long-standing issue that resists a quick fix. You’ll be shown some guidelines for rebuilding trust. You’ll find, as we did, that conflict is the doorway to greater respect in business relationships, and deeper emotional connection in personal relationships…meaning an increase in respect and/or love! Yes, it’s true! Conflict, when managed with these safeguards, can help you heal old wounds and enjoy more satisfaction and connection in your relationship with others. I trust that last statement caused an even greater leap in your eagerness to learn the skills and strategies contained in Savory Safeguards! So let’s get started…