Between

Giving Up - Surrender Giving up means to me a personal and private abdication, saying, “No more.” It is full and complete withdrawal from the struggle, even losing the will to live. It has much in common with being listless. Surrender, on the other hand, means to me the willingness to give in to the reality of my Mental Illness, and to engage others so that they may assist and potentially save me when I am in no condition to do that for myself. I surrender myself into the care of others. This state of abdication that is “giving up” can take a number of forms, perhaps to varying degrees, in a variety of situations. I was once taking care of my two-year-old daughter, when all at once I sat up against a wall and wept. Many a night I got up at night so as not to wake my wife, and cried in another room. For all too many people, giving up can lead to a wish to pull the trigger, or in my case thoughts of driving my car at high speed into a barrier. If suicide is successful, there may be a simple note to others that says, “I am sorry, it won today.” But for way too many, there is not even a note, no conversation with anyone about a crisis of health, just one final lonely decision. A couple years ago, I was a guest presenter via Zoom on suicide prevention for the employees of a Minnesota state department. In the beginning, the moderator asked everyone for a single word that comes to mind when hearing the word “suicide”. One participant said, “Apathy.” Initially I was stunned by the suggestion, since my personal experience was the opposite. But I accepted that apathy might make sense to an outsider to Mental Illness. In not caring any longer, in giving up and ending one’s life, apathy could be viewed as an appropriate description. But leading up to that moment of crisis - at least in my experience, and those of others I have listened to in Mental Health programs; - it is anything but apathetic. Yes, everyone has their limits. A Mental Illness, if strong and prolonged enough, can wear you out physically, mentally, and emotionally. Our mind, the precise organ that is needed to whisper, “Hang on,” is also the organ that is in dis-ease and yells back, “But why?” I am short on advice, but I do know that a fateful decision lies ahead for a person in such a critical state. In a moment or moments of brief clarity, does one decide to surrender into the care of others or not? As a person fortunate enough to have done so a number of times and come out the other side into remission, all I can say is that it can work. If you can no longer help yourself, your surrender will allow others to do so on your behalf.